I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
