Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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