Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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