Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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