I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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