Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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