I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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