Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
