I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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