We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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