I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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