I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
