I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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