Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
