i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
