I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
