ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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