Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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