omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
