just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
