i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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