she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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