never play flip cup with pint glasses
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night