what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?