My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
