You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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