Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
