we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
