It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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