your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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