i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
