I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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