he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
