you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
