what day is it and did you see me today?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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