I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
