Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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