i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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