I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
