Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
