I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
