Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
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I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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