I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
