Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
