I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
