It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
