Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
