he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
