i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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