I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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