Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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