absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
