im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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