You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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