Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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