My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
