Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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