Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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